Bargaining

Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…".  The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use any thing valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…" People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example, "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.  (Wikipedia)

Bargaining began for me prior to Claire's death.  While holding her hand as she lay on life support I remember the wild deals I attempted to strike with a higher power.  Call them prayers, call them wishful thinking, you find yourself doing it regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs, it's human nature to have hope.  My hope at the time was that it had all been a terrible mistake and that turning off the machines would not have the grave impact I had been told to expect.

Many texts suggest that the five stages of grief follow a particular order, but i do not agree.  In my experience, these stages of grief need not follow any particular order, in fact I would often find myself bouncing between two or three over a short space of time.  The transition is seamless in most cases, but in my experience the bouncing periods tend to be a prelude to moving into another phase in the main.  

My initial denial following Claire's passing began to be challenged by bouts of bargaining.  There almost seemed a sense of urgency to it, as if time was critical, and that if I were to strike some kind of deal to have my love back in my arms, it needed to be done sooner rather than later.  It felt as though the clock was ticking, and I only had until they moved her elsewhere to finalize the deal.

There was not much I was unwilling to offer at the time. Haunted by thoughts that the wrong person had been taken, my very life was converted into currency, ready to change places in the blink of an eye.  Our family needed their mother, especially our youngest. The very glue that held our family together, and shoes I somehow now needed to fill. Trade places with me to make life better for them, was a thought I had some trouble shaking off. 

Once the realization set in that I could not have things back the way they were, I found myself lowering my expectations, again as a negotiating tactic.  Moving on from having Claire back in my arms, I sought other ways to spend more time with her.  During these times, sleep was very attractive, as we could spend time together in my dreams.  I would spend a lot of time talking to her, sometimes out loud, and imaging a response.  I even considered enlisting the help of a medium or spiritualist church.  This is a good example of how the distinctions between the stages of grief can become blurred, with bargaining and denial both fighting for my attention at the same time.

My eventual movement into the anger stage of grief brought about a clear end to my bargaining stage, as it did too with denial.

See all of my Poems about Bargaining.