Depression

Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"  During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.  (Wikipedia)

When a person is Angry their behavior is usually quite apparent.  Depression, on the other hand, can go unnoticed to both sufferers and observers for some time.  In my own case this situation was compounded by the very nature of the beast.  Being a proud man, I was reluctant to allow anyone to become aware of my current 'weakness', driving my intense sadness and woe behind closed doors.  

This particular stage of grief crept up on me quite slowly, at first interlaced with anger and occasionally, denial.  Once these other feelings had diminished, the decline into darkness was rapid, and the depths seemed without an end, with each passing day sinking further and further into a pit of my own despair.  

My awareness of my situation began with waking thoughts such as, "Oh great, another day of pain."  After a couple of years these thoughts had been replaced by a far more grave belief that my own death would be a mercy.  At this point I decided it was time to seek some help from our family doctor.

After explaining my dire thoughts, my new found talent for ignoring my door knocking or the phone ringing, my lack of energy or enthusiasm, and the fact the only thing I looked forward to was sleep, my doctor decided to prescribe a course of anti-depressants.  At this point, with the feeling I had nothing to lose, started popping the pills.

In my opinion, whilst this type of medication served well to take the edge of such dark depression, they did not serve my long term needs.  Although I do not recommend that depression sufferers avoid seeking medical attention, I would caution against the belief that such treatments go any way towards a cure.  My path through the five stages of grief, the real "cure", ceased with the commencement of this medication, locking me into a state of zombie-like apathy.  This type of treatment seemed to create an equal playing field for all emotions, both good and bad.

After a year, realizing that positive emotions such as enjoying a sunset, or the thrill of a ride at the fair, would probably be essential for my recovery, I decided to withdraw from this "opt-out" position and continue my path to recovery without this medication, even if this meant welcoming back the darkness.

Depression without a doubt has had the most significant impact on my day to day life, negatively effecting both my work and family life.  One example would be missing out on the true joy of the earliest years of my daughters life.  The years that should have been enjoyed were stained and darkened by the weight of my loss, and subsequent emotional state.  Harder still, was the need to keep my emotional delicacy well hidden from her, feeling she had suffered enough losing her mum and brother, without worrying about why daddy is crying every day.     

Looking back I can identify numerous signposts dotted along the road of depression, starting with the day the tears dried up.  A strange sensation, to be crying inside but devoid of tears.  This signaled the start of a slow and gradual decline in the frequency and intensity of such despair.  

Also worthy of a mention is the first day I was able to talk about my partner and son without becoming overwhelmed with emotion.  Previously any attempt to talk about them, something I was desperate to do, resulted in choking back tears and finding myself unable to speak.  Each time i would try to utter a word it would be replaced by the type of half-crying, half-talking one would expect from a five year old child who has hurt his knee.  One day the words actually made it out of my mouth, and it felt good.  It felt like I was finally honoring their memory by talking about them, something I proceeded to do quite often, much to the annoyance of my friends I suspect.

Another significant obstacle to my recovery was the fear that I may also lose our young  daughter to the same genetic disorder that had afflicted her mother and brother.  Some five years after these tragic incidents took place, and once genetic screening technology had improved somewhat, my mind was finally put at ease with the news that she was in fact clear.  This weighty burden of worry, now removed from my shoulders, allowed me to take a further step forward, counting my blessings for the first time in quite some while.

Looking back, I feel I could have dealt with my dark feelings better by hiding it from others less, embracing company at those times I was not seeking to be alone, embracing the times I needed to be alone without guilt, eating better, getting more sleep and taking regular walks.  Depression is a natural part of the grieving process, and as the clinical definition above states, a prelude to acceptance.


See all my Poems about Depression.