My Five Stages of Grief - Epilogue
So how does my story end? Well, my story has not ended. Whilst I may have closed one chapter in my life, it still goes on, with much of my story yet to be written. The best one can do is share how I feel today, but before doing so I would like to mention some personal observations and issues that I have with the Kübler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief.
Firstly, this model was originally constructed based on observations of those facing their own death, and then later applied to those that have suffered the loss of a loved one or someone else close to them. Whilst my own experiences have allowed me to relate heavily with four of these stages, bargaining was one aspect I struggled to relate to as strongly as the others.
Curious to know if I was alone in this inability to relate to this particular stage, I conducted a little research. It would seem that many related professionals such as Grief Councillors agree that perhaps this stage should be replaced with Anxiety when related to the loss of another person, and in this respect I am inclined to agree.
Bargaining when someone has already passed away has a limited scope, they have already gone, and I think this led to anxiety quite quickly once the the realization set in that the tragic event had already occurred. My anxiety manifested itself in the first instance as obsessive thoughts about my own mortality, and that of others close to me.
Panic, or anxiety attacks soon followed, without any particular reason or trigger, just overwhelming feelings of anxiousness from out of the blue. This situation compounded my need to hide away from world, dreading the prospect of suffering such an attack whilst in the presence of others.
My second issue with the five stages of grief model is that in my opinion there are actually six stages of grief. Whilst acceptance may bring with it the peace one needs to live a productive life, it does nothing to fill the void left by the departed love one. I would like to suggest that Learn to Live Again be added as a the stage to follow acceptance, whereby we take positive action in an effort to fill this void with new happy memories and experiences, without guilt, or the feelings of betrayal to the person we have lost.
At the end of my eight year journey to recovery I found that trying new things once again produced an element of excitement and fun that had been lacking from my life for some time. I started to write, and have previously published several successful non-fiction books of a technical nature.
I would say that this particular book is a solid part of my sixth stage of grief and would have been difficult to undertake prior to acceptance, in fact may well have been quite distressing. Today I find myself in a comfortable place, one where I am able to write about my experiences, yes with occasional sadness and regret, but also with great fondness, appreciation and joy.
My desire with regards to this book is to provide some comfort to those that may be experiencing a similar journey of grief. In the first instance I remember how isolated I had felt and how nobody understood what I was going through. I do not consider myself a poet as such, I barely know my ballads from my limericks, but I do hope that my poetry and writings serve to perhaps help the reader feel less alone in these feelings and experiences.
Secondly, my wish is to impart upon the reader a sense of hope, as just like myself, in time, you will see the sun again. Time is not a healer, however the five stages of grief are, and should not be avoided. Obviously it takes some time to travel through these stages, and exactly how long depends very much upon each person and individual set of circumstances, but most importantly you should make yourself comfortable with your grief, the grieving process, and hang in there.
There is no particular time you should move on, or stop talking or thinking about your loss. Your grief is personal to you, and you should be comfortable to grieve regardless of other people's opinions or advice. Friends and family will offer advice such as stay busy and keep occupied, however they do not, and cannot, understand the personal nature of your journey, but that too is alright, how could they?
If you are struggling, or finding it hard to cope with the loss of a loved one, please see the list of resources at the end of this book for some useful links and contact details for help and support. Please also speak to your family doctor who can also offer, or help put you in contact with, other sources of support.
Curious to know if I was alone in this inability to relate to this particular stage, I conducted a little research. It would seem that many related professionals such as Grief Councillors agree that perhaps this stage should be replaced with Anxiety when related to the loss of another person, and in this respect I am inclined to agree.
Bargaining when someone has already passed away has a limited scope, they have already gone, and I think this led to anxiety quite quickly once the the realization set in that the tragic event had already occurred. My anxiety manifested itself in the first instance as obsessive thoughts about my own mortality, and that of others close to me.
Panic, or anxiety attacks soon followed, without any particular reason or trigger, just overwhelming feelings of anxiousness from out of the blue. This situation compounded my need to hide away from world, dreading the prospect of suffering such an attack whilst in the presence of others.
My second issue with the five stages of grief model is that in my opinion there are actually six stages of grief. Whilst acceptance may bring with it the peace one needs to live a productive life, it does nothing to fill the void left by the departed love one. I would like to suggest that Learn to Live Again be added as a the stage to follow acceptance, whereby we take positive action in an effort to fill this void with new happy memories and experiences, without guilt, or the feelings of betrayal to the person we have lost.
At the end of my eight year journey to recovery I found that trying new things once again produced an element of excitement and fun that had been lacking from my life for some time. I started to write, and have previously published several successful non-fiction books of a technical nature.
I would say that this particular book is a solid part of my sixth stage of grief and would have been difficult to undertake prior to acceptance, in fact may well have been quite distressing. Today I find myself in a comfortable place, one where I am able to write about my experiences, yes with occasional sadness and regret, but also with great fondness, appreciation and joy.
My desire with regards to this book is to provide some comfort to those that may be experiencing a similar journey of grief. In the first instance I remember how isolated I had felt and how nobody understood what I was going through. I do not consider myself a poet as such, I barely know my ballads from my limericks, but I do hope that my poetry and writings serve to perhaps help the reader feel less alone in these feelings and experiences.
Secondly, my wish is to impart upon the reader a sense of hope, as just like myself, in time, you will see the sun again. Time is not a healer, however the five stages of grief are, and should not be avoided. Obviously it takes some time to travel through these stages, and exactly how long depends very much upon each person and individual set of circumstances, but most importantly you should make yourself comfortable with your grief, the grieving process, and hang in there.
There is no particular time you should move on, or stop talking or thinking about your loss. Your grief is personal to you, and you should be comfortable to grieve regardless of other people's opinions or advice. Friends and family will offer advice such as stay busy and keep occupied, however they do not, and cannot, understand the personal nature of your journey, but that too is alright, how could they?
If you are struggling, or finding it hard to cope with the loss of a loved one, please see the list of resources at the end of this book for some useful links and contact details for help and support. Please also speak to your family doctor who can also offer, or help put you in contact with, other sources of support.
